When people are thinking about making a significant life change, they often confuse what they really want with three other things–

First, what they think they can have. I remember a client telling me that every move she had made to that point was because a recruiter had called her about a role. She was totally at the mercy of what others offered to her. She never reached out on her own or even thought about what else was possible.

While that’s an extreme case, most of us, most of the time, tend to think in terms of, “what I currently have, but 10 percent better.” And we wonder why the next thing doesn’t satisfy us!

Second, what they think others expect from them. I have had many conversations with overacheivers who thought their spouses, their families, needed them to provide a particular lifestyle or amount of money. In one recent case, I asked a client to actually ask his spouse what she wanted. He was stunned when his spouse and kids most wanted was for him to be around more. They didn’t care about all the nice things they could afford or his job title; they wanted him!

This client was also falling into the third trap—thinking that achievements or money can somehow fix some deep flaw they see in themselves.

But when my clients see that all of this is simply thoughts that come and go (just like the rest of their experience), it becomes clear very quickly that there is nothing outside of them than can ever fix an internal experience.

When people really see that, they are ready to tune into the key way to know what they actually want.

Desire.

Desire—simply wanting something just because you want it—is a precious gift. It is our road map. When we want something just because we want it, creating it becomes fun.

And when we truly commit to that creation, somehow magic begins to happen. One of my favorite quotes is from William Hutchison Murray in his book, “The Scottish Himalayan Expedition,” published in 1951. Forgive the gender specific language—

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness…[T]he moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too.

“All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.

“Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.”

You might not know what providence will bring, but the first and most important step is to actually begin. When you do that, guided by your desire, you can create what to the outsider looks like miracles.

What do you desire? And what are you willing to commit to?

What is the most important thing that you could read today?

The thing you most WANT to see.

The thing you most NEED to see, even if you don’t WANT to consider it.

Is it that you could actually be true to what you want, that to be true to that would be the thing that would most serve others as well?

Is it that what the universe put you here for, your mission, your purpose, is simply to be you?

Does that excite you, or terrify you?

Consider this a prompt, a reminder, to take some time, any time, to explore that.

The entire universe is counting on you.

Six years ago today, I was let go from Fidelity Investments and my journey toward becoming a coach began.

I resisted at first. I tried like anything to get another job within Fidelity, and then to develop a consulting business. Until I realized that what I really wanted, what I even felt called to do, was to become a coach helping senior leaders to transform in the same way that my teachers and mentors and coaches had helped me to transform.

In this journey of the last six years, I’ve noticed there are a few things that get in the way. No one told me about these things, and I’m sharing them in the hopes that they will help you create what you want, just as I have been able to create (or at least to start creating) what I want.

1. Know what you want
No one tells you how hard it is to actually know what you want. For you. Not the things that you think others expect of you, or the things you think you can have. The things you actually want.

2. Trust your inner knowing
For me, coaching was about a quiet knowing. I would challenge it, I would say it wasn’t practical, that I wasn’t qualified. But it knew, and it waited for me to come around. I am so grateful for that inner knowing, and for learning that I could trust it.

3. Ignore (most) other people
Chances are, that thing you really want is not on the predictable path, and most people have taken the predictable path. They will sabotage you to make themselves right. Not out of malice, but out of genuine concern that you are trying something that isn’t possible. But there are a few people who will see your magic. Hold on to those people. They are priceless.

4. Be unrealistic
It’s actually easier to do something unrealistic than to do something linear. Because linear requires more and more of the same. Linear is exhausting. Unrealistic requires you to create yourself differently, to see the world differently. And that transformation makes the seemingly impossible easy.

5. Do it even though you don’t know what will happen
So many people refuse to take the leap without knowing where the net is and EXACTLY how it will catch them. These people will never start. Because it is impossible to know how it will work out. You just have to trust that it will.

6. Continue to do it even when it’s hard or you’re stuck
The spiritual teacher Byron Katie says that you can have anything you want as long as you are willing to ask 1000 people. Creation is the same. You may not have to continue for years and years, but you have to be WILLING to. You have to come from that willingness, because otherwise you will stop the first time you run into a learning opportunity disguised as an obstacle.

Six years into this journey, I am so grateful that I have learned each of these. I offer them today to you in both gratitude and the hope that they will help YOU create what you really want.

I see a lot of writing in the self help and coaching world about “making commitments” and “having integrity.”

And for a long time, I put a lot on that. That all I have is my word.

It’s incredibly important to me when I have promised something to someone. I feel horrible when I miss a deadline.

But I had an experience this week that is beginning to change my mind. And I confess, I’m not sure yet what to do with it.

You see, my original #munndaymagic post this week was going to be about climbing a 14er. (A mountain higher than 14,000 feet.)

But when the time came to do it, I knew it wasn’t the right. So I was faced with a decision between keeping my word, and being true to myself.

We had dropped our son off at a month-long camp, and on the way back we stopped in a charming town called Buena (“Byoona”) Vista. Buena Vista is within a short drive of four different 14ers, and two sets of parents were planning on spending Saturday enjoying the town, and getting up early to climb (really more like really hard hiking) one of the 14ers on Sunday.

The other couple were veterans at this kind of climbing. My wife and I were the rookies. I was hesitant, but willing. I said I was game.

The husband ending up not making the trip. He caught COVID and was recuperating at home.

We had gotten up before 5 on the drop-off day, and I slept badly Saturday night as well. So Sunday morning, I didn’t feel so good.

I could have done it, but I really knew that physically I was not up to it. That, if I was true to myself, I would stay home that day while our wives (who are the more dedicated climbers anyway) went ahead and did the climb. That if I did the hike, I would end up angry at them (for “making” me do it) and me (for letting them).

I was so afraid of letting them down. I felt bad, until I realized something.

I often do what others want (or what I think they want) and make myself miserable in the process. And then I get mad at them, and at myself.

Here, it was clear to me that the right answer for everyone was for me to go back on my word, and for them to go on without me.

The first thing that I noticed is that they wanted to compromise, to do a shorter hike so I would come along, so that we do something together.

As I faced this additional temptation, I noticed that if I gave in, no one would be happy. In listening to myself, it became clear that my staying home was actually the best thing. I saw that they would have a great time without me, and that I would have a great time without them.

I broke my original commitment. I stayed home. I journaled. I saw how often I commit to things that I really don’t want to do, in an attempt to please others.

And they had an amazing time, and an even better time telling me about it.

Listening to myself, to my body, let me to some powerful insights.

What might it lead you to?