And what would you be free to do if you stopped defending it?

I want to suggest that there is nothing that you think you need to defend that is actually real. That even your own sense of identity is just a series of thoughts that come and go.

This might feel deep, or esoteric, but it turns out to be incredibly useful.

A CEO client of mine and I did an experiment this week. We looked for this identity that we spend so much time defending and making look good.

We tried to find what we call “I.” In our arms, our legs, our heads, in whatever is looking out of our eyes.

I have a ton of thoughts about this thing I call Jeff, that I assume is in charge, that I want to succeed.

But when I stop and look for “Jeff,” I can’t find him anywhere.

If that sounds ridiculous, try it for yourself.

Why does this matter?

When we get out of our own way, what we do seems to have both more ease and more purpose.

When we can’t find the entity we think is running the show, we spend less time worrying about and defending that entity.

And yet the show seems to go on, even better than before, as a deeper purpose emerges.

What have you been defending? What could you get done if you realized it isn’t real?

Someone asked me how I work with people last week.

What I said was that the first level of work with someone is often simply to calm them down enough to see the world differently.

Of course, this is work that you can do without a coach.

Meditation, yoga, tai chi, centering. There are many practices that serve to calm the nervous system. To move you from the fight or flight of the sympathetic nervous system to a more productive, calm, centered place.

We often don’t recognize our role in creating the world. But when we are calm enough, a new world emerges. New priorities emerge. Meaning and purpose become real possibilities, rather than things we simply don’t have time to consider.

When we are driven, we think that we are changing things when we are actually just creating more of the same. More hours, more revenue, more profits.

When we quiet down, we become aware of different possibilities, and perhaps a deeper calling.

Sometimes it helps if you a calm, centered, present partner to hold that space.

Let me know if I can do that for you.

And then the deeper work, of creating that new possibility, can begin.

I spent the first 40 years of my life doing everything I was supposed to.

Everything that I thought other people wanted me to do.

Everything that I was told would make me successful.

And happy.

Outside looking in, I got the first part.

But a lot of the time, I wasn’t happy.

Just empty, and exhausted.

I was talking to someone today who feels the same way.

And his wife says, “Just be happy you have a job right now.”

It’s good to be grateful for what you have.

But there’s nothing wrong in wanting more.

Nothing wrong in feeling like you could be giving more to the world than you are now.

To me, that’s the universe asking more of you.

And we need more from you right now. The world needs your special genius.

But first you need to make that declaration, of your purpose, and your genius.

And then you need the integrity and courage to live from that.

I got an email from a CEO who I had a two hour conversation with last week.

He decided not to hire me.

A note like this is part of what I do, but it’s always disappointing.

And I can find myself making excuses, or looking on the bright side, or doing any number of things to distract me from the fact that I feel crummy.

I can slip into a spiral where I question my worth, whether I was good enough to be coaching him in the first place, whether I have the qualifications to be doing what I’m doing.

But I come back to my purpose.

I come back to whether I was clear in how I work. Whether I was clear in the potential I saw in the other person.

Sometimes I feel like I was incredibly clear and I still don’t get the job. While disappointing, I can be satisfied that I did everything I could.

Sometimes, though, I feel like I wasn’t clear. Like I wasn’t truly and unabashedly living from my purpose.

And all I can do in that situation is learn, and be more clear, and more bold, the next time.