Happy 2025.

I still think New Year’s Resolutions are flawed. Because they generally start from two misleading ideas.

The first is that there is something wrong with us.

The second is that we must do something about that. (Preferably while being hard on ourselves.)

I’m too heavy so I will resolve to lose weight.

I’m not active enough so I will resolve to exercise more.

I don’t work hard enough (or I work TOO hard). So I will work more (or less)

All coming from the idea that there is something wrong with me and that I have to fix it. And the harder I can be on myself, the more successful I can be in the “fixing.”

In other words if only I hate myself enough, I can create something I love.

How has that worked for you?

Cue more self-hate. You can’t even meet your own goals!

What’s wrong with you?

You Will Never Reach Your Potential

As a chronic stressed-out overachiever, I discovered this decades ago.

No matter how much I do, there is always more that I CAN do.

No matter how many goals you check off the list, more appear. You will always be able to do more, and to do what you do better and faster.

Most people see this and then feel bad about “not living up to their potential” or some other nonsense.

And they beat themselves up for not doing more, instead of congratulating themselves for how far they have come.

I can remember times when I have screamed in frustration at myself, pounded my steering wheel as I was driving home from work at my apparent inability to be perfect, to do more than I was already doing, to do what I was doing faster and better.

To prove myself.

It seems silly now.

Self-Hatred is Unsustainable

Who was it I was trying to prove myself to? What would happen when I actually did that?

My clients will insist that they need to “prove themselves.”

Set a big goal and meet it to “prove yourself,” whether that’s to yourself or to some idea you have about what your parents or your peers or the teacher who doubted you or “the haters” think.

Athletes are masters at this “chip on your shoulder” method of motivation.

There are only two problems with this approach.

The first is that it works for some people. So you feel there must be something wrong with you if it doesn’t work for you (e.g., that resolution you’ve had for last six years).

Second, even when it works, it’s not very enjoyable. After a while, you have to keep making up slights and faults and issues, with yourself and others, as a way of being hard enough on yourself to keep playing.

You don’t enjoy the process and you don’t enjoy it very long when you actually meet one of your goals. You really want to stop, but you’re afraid it will all fall apart if you do. That, as one client of mine said, you’ll just “eat bonbons all day” if you don’t have your own self hate to keep you going.

That you will “lose your edge.”

What if There’s Nothing Wrong with You?

Most of my clients have shared with me that they are way more successful than they ever thought they would be.

On the one hand, they feel incredible gratitude for how far they have come and what they have been able to create in the world—

Resources.

Relationships.

Their own growth and personal development.

On the other, they see how much more is possible. And in seeing that, they make a critical mistake.

They measure themselves based on their potential rather than their accomplishments.

But the flaw in this is simple.

You Are Made to Create

As one of my founders likes to say, “builders build.”

We are made to enjoy the process of creating, not to enjoy our creations.

We think there is something wrong with us, but this is how we are designed.

To never stop.

So don’t create something because you think having it will satisfy you. It won’t. Create something that you will enjoy the process of creating.

For some this is creating companies. But it can change over time, too.

I recently started learning the saxophone. There are times when practicing is not fun. But I keep going because of the moments of sheer bliss when I lose myself is the act. And the more I do it, the more becomes possible. It’s virtuous feedback loop.

The same has been true of my coaching for many years. The joy in seeing something that I have not seen before, or of my client doing the same, keeps both of us coming back, often for years.

Coaching, like other forms of creating, is an endless journey. Higher and higher on a mountain that has no top.

You will never be done creating. You will never be done wanting to create.

And that is the best possible news.

Another Way to Think about What You Want to Create in 2025

Once you see this, something amazing happens.

You stop creating to get somewhere or to prove something.

What you want to create might change in this process. But at the very least, WHY you are creating it will shift.

You might start to create from and with joy. And when you get out of the way, it might feel like something is calling you to be created. Or that something is wanting to emerge throughyou.

Honor that.

You might be surprised that the thing that wants to be created through you is the key to the joy you have been seeking all along.

What Wants You to Create It in 2025?

What if your New Year’s Resolution is actually to discover what is wanting to emerge, and to follow where it takes you?

Enjoy that question, enjoy the process, and enjoy the year. No matter where it leads.

I want to share a client insight that’s been evolving over time. The first time this client had the realization I’m about to share was a couple of years ago. Since then, we’ve revisited it at deeper and deeper levels.

The insight is this: enough is just a thought.

If you’re like me—or like many of us in the high-achieving corporate world—you might feel this constant nagging sense that you can never do enough or be enough. There’s always another task, another position to strive for, or another mountain to climb. It’s exhausting and stressful.

This reminds me of a story about Suzuki Roshi, the author of Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind. He once addressed a group of students in the 1970s, saying: “Every one of you is completely perfect as you are… and you could all use a little improvement.”

That paradox—being already complete while still striving for growth—is at the heart of what I want to discuss today.

The Rules We Create for Ourselves

We often create rules for ourselves, like always needing to be productive, always achieving the next goal, or constantly climbing to the next peak.

A friend of mine, an avid skier, illustrated this beautifully during a conversation we had while walking our dogs. He told me about a local challenge called the Highland Bowl Lap. It involves hiking to the top of a mountain, skiing down, and repeating this cycle as many times as possible.

This isn’t just any mountain—it’s double black diamond terrain, a bowl full of powder that feels almost vertical. It requires exceptional physical fitness and skill. My friend was pushing himself, wondering whether three laps were “enough” or if he should aim for four. He felt that unless he was completely exhausted, he hadn’t done enough.

This led me to ask: What is “enough”?

“Enough” Is a Thought

Enough is whatever we decide it is. It’s entirely conceptual—a thought we create. What’s more, the idea of “enough” is a choice, though we often forget that.

And beyond those thoughts is the presence—the essence—of who we really are. That presence is the silent, creative force from which all thoughts emerge.

To think that this creative force, the source of the entire universe, is not enough is, frankly, laughable.

Three Approaches to “Not Enough”

When faced with the feeling of not being enough, we often default to one of these approaches:

1. Doing more. We exhaust ourselves by trying to achieve more and more, hoping it will eventually feel like enough.
2. Covering up negative thoughts with better ones. We try to counter the thought of “not enough” with affirmations or evidence of our worth. While this can provide temporary relief, it’s not a lasting solution.
3. Seeing the truth beyond the thought. This third approach involves recognizing that “enough” and “not enough” are just concepts. They don’t define the presence—the essence—that is thinking those thoughts.

Conclusion

The key is to experiment with this third approach. Recognize that the creative presence within you is already complete. It doesn’t need to measure up to arbitrary ideas of “enough” because it’s the source of everything.

Have fun exploring this idea, and I’ll see you next time.

I was talking with one of my clients today and I asked her if she is working Monday (two days before Christmas).

She is. There is too much to do, she said. She couldn’t let others down. The mission of the organization she leads is simply too important. I asked her when the last time was she had taken even one full day off from work.

She could not remember.

Separately, she told me about a board meeting where she had lost her patience. She had been working since 6:00 am, and the board meeting was on Zoom at 7:00 pm.

I asked if maybe her long day was related to her loss of patience.

I asked if that was the highest level of service she could give to her board.

I asked her if taking care of herself was her first priority, or something to fit in after taking care of everyone else first.

And I asked her, finally, how that was impacting her leadership.

Put On Your Own Mask First

I’m sure you have heard the flight attendant tell you that if you are traveling with a small child and the oxygen masks drop down, you should put your own mask on before you put your child’s on.

And if you are like me, you have recoiled at that thought. How could you think of yourself before your child?

I notice I routinely do things like this in many areas of my life.

If I have time off scheduled and something comes up for a client, I will drop everything for that client.

If I’m on vacation I will make sure I am not far away from my phone and my email.

If something is going on with one of my kids, again, I will drop everything.

But my own coach got me to look at that a different way.

Being Your Best Self for Others

When I lose my temper with my kids or my wife, for example, nine times out of ten (probably more) I can point to some way that I’ve not been taking care of myself.

I haven’t worked out for a few days.

I had a drink last night or ate a big meal and didn’t sleep well.

I was distracted by something “more important.”

I was frustrated “they weren’t listening to me.”

But when I’m fully resourced, I can be present. I can fully listen. And in that space, things seem a lot easier. So easy, in fact, that I forget all the self care that was necessary to get there.

The Importance of the Taper

If you’ve ever trained for a big endurance event like a marathon, you know that in the last week or two the best thing that you can do to step back from your training.

In recovering from your long runs, for example, your body will get stronger and healthier if you do very little in the days leading up to the race. This “taper” means you will be more rested and ready on the day of the event than if you were training (and trying to improve) till the last minute.

In our culture of always having to work and fitting in as much activity as possible, this can be counterintuitive.

This finally started to sink in for me when I heard LeBron James say that he tries to get at least 10 hours of sleep a day, including a nap every afternoon, including, without fail, the day of a game.

Tapering for 2025

Today is December 18. You have two weeks to taper until the beginning of 2025.

How can you stop pushing?

How can you step back?

How can you even take a nap?

What will you make available for yourself if you make that room in the next couple of weeks?

I wish you a happy holiday season and a 2025 that is your best yet.

(And yes, I am taking a break from this newsletter. See you in the New Year!)

#founder #takingabreak #restandrecover

I just came in from the garage. Even though my wife is taller than me, she asked me to get the wrapping paper off a high shelf in the garage.

Why? Because she threw out her back doing a weird move with a kettlebell yesterday. And she didn’t think she could reach the wrapping paper without tweaking it.

My wife is powerful and self-sufficient. She’s not used to asking for help. Neither am I. I had minor surgery a couple weeks ago and went through the same thing.

The truth is that we are committed to each other and WANT to help each other. I am happy to help and I know she is for me. I know my default is to do it myself, yet I know I want to help her. I am even delighted to be asked. And I am beginning to understand that sometimes, the best thing to do for both of us is to ask each other for help. To give the other person the gift of helping us.

Sometimes it can feel strange, even, when another person doesn’t even ask for something that I could do easily. Sometimes, the person who is best suited for the task can be hurt when they are not asked.

The same is true for you and your team.

The Deep End of Being a Founder

Most of the founders I work with got there by doing a lot of the work. By having a great idea, yes, but also by working long hours on a lot of things unrelated to that idea.

By the time they get to me, this has often become a problem.

Their team sees them struggle, splashing in the deep end of the pool, and the first thing they want to do is throw them a rope. A finance rope, a product rope, a sales rope.

Each person knows there are things that they are better at than the founder. (In a calmer moment, the founder knows this, too.)

Unfortunately, the founder often thinks continuing to splash is the better choice. Though it’s not really a choice at all. It’s just a habit that used to serve them well.

The First Thing is to Grab the Rope

What if you could see the rope that others are throwing you? What if you could grab it?

What would that create for you?

What would that create for your team?

Can you catch the rope that I’m throwing?

Can you see how supported you are if only you’d stop splashing?