Happy 2025.
I still think New Year’s Resolutions are flawed. Because they generally start from two misleading ideas.
The first is that there is something wrong with us.
The second is that we must do something about that. (Preferably while being hard on ourselves.)
I’m too heavy so I will resolve to lose weight.
I’m not active enough so I will resolve to exercise more.
I don’t work hard enough (or I work TOO hard). So I will work more (or less)
All coming from the idea that there is something wrong with me and that I have to fix it. And the harder I can be on myself, the more successful I can be in the “fixing.”
In other words if only I hate myself enough, I can create something I love.
How has that worked for you?
Cue more self-hate. You can’t even meet your own goals!
What’s wrong with you?
You Will Never Reach Your Potential
As a chronic stressed-out overachiever, I discovered this decades ago.
No matter how much I do, there is always more that I CAN do.
No matter how many goals you check off the list, more appear. You will always be able to do more, and to do what you do better and faster.
Most people see this and then feel bad about “not living up to their potential” or some other nonsense.
And they beat themselves up for not doing more, instead of congratulating themselves for how far they have come.
I can remember times when I have screamed in frustration at myself, pounded my steering wheel as I was driving home from work at my apparent inability to be perfect, to do more than I was already doing, to do what I was doing faster and better.
To prove myself.
It seems silly now.
Self-Hatred is Unsustainable
Who was it I was trying to prove myself to? What would happen when I actually did that?
My clients will insist that they need to “prove themselves.”
Set a big goal and meet it to “prove yourself,” whether that’s to yourself or to some idea you have about what your parents or your peers or the teacher who doubted you or “the haters” think.
Athletes are masters at this “chip on your shoulder” method of motivation.
There are only two problems with this approach.
The first is that it works for some people. So you feel there must be something wrong with you if it doesn’t work for you (e.g., that resolution you’ve had for last six years).
Second, even when it works, it’s not very enjoyable. After a while, you have to keep making up slights and faults and issues, with yourself and others, as a way of being hard enough on yourself to keep playing.
You don’t enjoy the process and you don’t enjoy it very long when you actually meet one of your goals. You really want to stop, but you’re afraid it will all fall apart if you do. That, as one client of mine said, you’ll just “eat bonbons all day” if you don’t have your own self hate to keep you going.
That you will “lose your edge.”
What if There’s Nothing Wrong with You?
Most of my clients have shared with me that they are way more successful than they ever thought they would be.
On the one hand, they feel incredible gratitude for how far they have come and what they have been able to create in the world—
Resources.
Relationships.
Their own growth and personal development.
On the other, they see how much more is possible. And in seeing that, they make a critical mistake.
They measure themselves based on their potential rather than their accomplishments.
But the flaw in this is simple.
You Are Made to Create
As one of my founders likes to say, “builders build.”
We are made to enjoy the process of creating, not to enjoy our creations.
We think there is something wrong with us, but this is how we are designed.
To never stop.
So don’t create something because you think having it will satisfy you. It won’t. Create something that you will enjoy the process of creating.
For some this is creating companies. But it can change over time, too.
I recently started learning the saxophone. There are times when practicing is not fun. But I keep going because of the moments of sheer bliss when I lose myself is the act. And the more I do it, the more becomes possible. It’s virtuous feedback loop.
The same has been true of my coaching for many years. The joy in seeing something that I have not seen before, or of my client doing the same, keeps both of us coming back, often for years.
Coaching, like other forms of creating, is an endless journey. Higher and higher on a mountain that has no top.
You will never be done creating. You will never be done wanting to create.
And that is the best possible news.
Another Way to Think about What You Want to Create in 2025
Once you see this, something amazing happens.
You stop creating to get somewhere or to prove something.
What you want to create might change in this process. But at the very least, WHY you are creating it will shift.
You might start to create from and with joy. And when you get out of the way, it might feel like something is calling you to be created. Or that something is wanting to emerge throughyou.
Honor that.
You might be surprised that the thing that wants to be created through you is the key to the joy you have been seeking all along.
What Wants You to Create It in 2025?
What if your New Year’s Resolution is actually to discover what is wanting to emerge, and to follow where it takes you?
Enjoy that question, enjoy the process, and enjoy the year. No matter where it leads.