I just found out last night.

We were in a coaching group together, back in 2017. We were the only two men, and we began having a weekly call. We were different—he was a musician and I was in the corporate world. But I had tremendous admiration for his big heart and what he was bringing into the world.

And I know those conversations helped both of us. I wonder now, if we had continued to talk, if there was something I could have said to help him see that his wife and his three year old boy were worth sticking around for.

Men need to talk to each other. To be ok being scared. To be ok asking for help every now and then. To be ok just suffering together. Especially now.

When we struggle with something we tend to avoid it. We stick to the day to day stuff while the big questions (Why am I here? What do I do?) only get bigger. Whether those are work related, family related, relationship related. Men tend to avoid the messy stuff.

I don’t have an answer or an offer or an easy fix for this. I’m still in a bit of shock and just wanting to make sure the people in my world are ok.

If you need help, please talk to somebody. Even if it seems like you have it under control.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255

 

I was talking with a CEO client today who was preparing for his next board meeting, and he was stressed. He was getting angry at the slightest provocation.

And together, we identified a program running in the background of his mind.

It goes something like this–

1. If it’s not perfect, they won’t like me.
2. It they don’t like me, they will fire me.
3. If they fire me, my spouse will leave me.
4. If my spouse leaves me, I will die broke and alone.

We’ve been working together long enough that we can see the “DBA” (Die Broke and Alone) program showing up whenever he is under stress.

Just like malware, that program has unauthorized access and leads to bad results.

The first step to getting rid of human malware is to become conscious of it. And while you might not be able to completely delete it, you can prevent it from doing further damage.

When you are under stress, are you conscious of the story your brain is running in the background?

I’m noticing some consistent themes in how my coaching clients are dealing with COVID-19. Challenges that are arising. Patterns—how do we look at our need to be doing all the time, when there can be much less to do? With our need to control when so much seems uncontrollable? COVID-19 has pulled the rug of what seemed to be firm ground out from under us. It has exposed the illusion that we were ever in control.

What is it that has showed up for you? What has been the thing that only COVID-19 could make you see? And what do you intend to do with this gift going forward?

The early work of Werner Erhard has had a big influence on my coaching, and on my own personal development. He had a phrase, “already always,” that can be a wonderful pointer right now.

Many leaders are already always doing. Or already always defending, or fighting, or achieving.

Meaning that everything that occurs for them is filtered through, “What do I do with or about this?” or “How do I defend against this?” The immediate assumption is that whatever is happening is something that requires action, or that it is bad and needs to be defended against.

Because we are “already always” this, it can be very hard to see. It can be hard even to talk about it.

I have a client who is struggling with his “already always” right now. His “already always” is doing, striving, winning. And right now, what is showing up for him is space—less to do, fewer employees to hire, less he can control. Instead of welcoming the rest, the renewal, the insight, that can come from space and rest, his tendency, his wiring, as he would say, is “not to waste this time.” His already always, like yours and mine, serves him, until it doesn’t.

What is your “already always?” How does it serve you? And how does it get in your way?