I got an email from a coach whose work I mostly really like.

And it was about his top ten favorite high-performance habits.

I had a reaction to this. Not because there is anything wrong with high performance. But because of the cultural narrative, we have built around high performance. The story we have created is that, if you get more done, if you are more productive, if you meet the goal on the other side of them, you will be happy.

I could not disagree more.

How High Performance Gets It Backwards

If you are able to look at the assumptions in the high performance game, they go something like this—

1. There is something fundamentally wrong with me.
2. I can achieve my way out of it.

In other words, there is some big goal that, if I meet it, I will feel better. Or I will “arrive.”

Maybe it’s a degree, or a job title, or a house in the right place, or a second house in the right place.

I tried to achieve my way into feeling okay about myself for decades.

It doesn’t work.

Because there is always more to do. There is always a goal behind the goal, another mountain to climb or race to run, or another digit to add to the exit.

So when the first goal doesn’t get there, certainly it’s because the goal wasn’t big enough, right?

It took me about 30 years to learn the goal wasn’t the issue.

The Only Thing You Have To See To Be Happy

Meeting a goal will never make you happy (for more than a few fleeting moments, anyway).

Your entire experience of the world is happening inside your brain. Based on what your senses tell you, true, but more important than that, based on the stories you tell yourself about what your senses tell you.

You are living in your stories about the world. And most of them are unconscious.

If you are writing the story, why are you writing it to make yourself miserable?

What Stories Do You Believe About Yourself and Your World?

The coach I’m referring to told me that he had never seen anyone build a million dollar business without a lot of hard work.

But I see it all the time. Enough that I make it a goal for people. To make as much income as you can with as little work as possible.

If you have believed different ideas you are not even going to see this as a possibility.

If your rules require struggle to make money, for example, you are going to struggle to make money.

If your rules require productivity or efficiency or exhaustion, you are not going to let yourself be happy or fulfilled without them. You need to be miserable to be happy.

Each of your rules is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And you can let each of them go.

If you see that you must already be enough (that you can’t NOT be enough) because you are the one creating your experience of being enough, or not enough, you are going to set different goals.

What Do You Really Want?

What do you WANT when you see you don’t actually NEED anything?

When creating can be from a sense of play rather than lack?

What will you create just because it is deliriously FUN to do it?

That’s what the high performance culture says is not possible.

But to me, that’s the place where our capacity to create gets most powerful.

How To Go Deeper

You can be happy without being exhausted.

What would that be like? To fully embrace you and THEN create, rather than thinking you have to create to someone FIX yourself?

This is what I write about. For founders, for original thinkers, at all stages of their journey.

The world needs YOU, in all your brilliance and imperfection.

If you are a founder wanting to scale and sell your company, there are three shifts in identity that can help you do so with twice the impact and half the stress. Take a look at this video.

If you want to build a coaching business where you get to be yourself, help amazing people, and replace your corporate income in the process, here’s a video where I share the top three mistakes I see coaches make when trying to build a sustainable business—

http://bit.ly/creatingextraordinarycoaches

You can subscribe to my YouTube channel here.

You can follow me on LinkedIn to make sure you never miss a post by hitting the bell on my profile.

If you want to subscribe to this Creating Extraordinary Futures newsletter, you can do so here.

I’ve been writing a lot lately about the intersection between our financial success and our capacity and willingness to be ourselves.

There is a connection that occurs between humans that deepens as each is willing to be more and more vulnerable, real, themselves.

I believe that, especially as we get into longer-term relationships with each other—whether that is as provider and client or as employer and employee, this capacity to know and trust deepens and enhances what we are able to create with each other.

And not so coincidentally, I believe that this is what we most want—that we want to fully express our unique selves and find the people who will accept and appreciate and even love us for those selves.

Even the parts of us that we regard as flaws and try to hide.

But I got a question recently that stopped me in my tracks—

This sounds simple. But what does it mean to “just be yourself”? And why does it feel so difficult?

A Simple Answer to a Hard Question

The simple answer to this doesn’t sound very satisfying. You are yourself when you are honest about who you are and what you believe. When you speak as and from your truth.

I confess that there are an awful lot of times when I do not feel fully myself. This feels like a goal, an aspiration, but it can feel like true authenticity is a long way off. I do better when I am writing—there is something about the psychological distance between me and my readers—than I do with one-on-one in real-life interactions.

It can feel really hard to “be myself,” to “own my truth.”

Why?

For me, I notice a few things.

First, I really want people to like me and when I say something that they might not agree with, I risk that.

Of course, when I hide something with the goal of them liking me, they are not really liking “me,” they are liking me with some kind of veneer or mask.

Second, I have a lot of history around feeling like my interests are weird, and I learned to hide them. I’ve told the story of how, walking out of the original “Star Wars” with my parents when I was 12, feeling like I had had a life-changing experience, my mom looked at me and said, “Jeff, if you liked that, you’re weird.”

That was the story of my life—if I liked it, it was weird.

For decades I hid that rather than embraced it. And I and my friendships suffered for it.

Third, I was afraid that if I said what I really thought, I might hurt people.

A More Satisfying Direction to Look

I was talking with a coach friend about this—he was really interested in how I might answer the question and I confess I hadn’t given it much thought. But it occurred to me that I might be useful to try to define this.

The first thing that occurred to me is that if I don’t say something because I am afraid of what you might think of me if I do, that is not being myself.

There are some things that I am afraid to say because I am afraid that if I say them you might judge me in some way.

Disclosing some “weird” interest or hobby, for example.

I remember when I started going on retreats I would actively avoid talking about them. When I was on retreat, a lot of the people there were therapists or healers. I didn’t run into many lawyers and consultants and business people.

So I would avoid talking about my work when I was on retreat, and I would avoid talking about my retreats when I was back at work.

But what I discovered when I did begin to talk about those things is that there was a small number of people who appreciated the combination. That the fact that I was interested in both of those things made me more interesting to those people. That I had deeper relationships with these people, and that I would not have without that uncomfortable disclosure.

Years later, embracing those interests made me a more powerful coach, and helped my ideal clients find me.

On the other hand, there are times when I don’t say something just because I don’t want to hurt them. It might or might not be helpful for them to hear it in some way, but the relationship is not such where it can withstand my saying it.

The vast majority of the time, that simply means that it is none of my business. We do not have a relationship where my disclosure is helpful or appropriate and I will not disclose it.

But in other cases, some level of disclosure is helpful and even necessary.

For example, am I protecting a boundary? If so, I need to disclose. I need to declare, for example, if I think the other person did something that violated a boundary for me. Of course I need to do this in an appropriate way and that is a deep and detailed inquiry in and of itself. But “being myself” and “protecting myself” overlap and it’s important to honor that.

In another case, I might be invested in a long-term relationship with this person. Are they my partner, or a key employee? If so, there are things I need to say for the sake of the relationship, or in the case of an employee, for their development and performance, and it would be neglectful for me NOT to say something.

How Being Yourself Creates Psychological Safety

When we disclose something that feels a bit vulnerable, we begin to create some sense of psychological safety. It becomes easier for the person in front of us to disclose something unusual about them. We become closer because of these. We trust each other more. And we are more likely to enter a long term relationship, either person or business.

Being ourselves FEELS dangerous. But it benefits everyone.

Sometimes the first step is to create that safely within ourselves. To admit to ourselves things that we have not admitted. About what we really want, for example, or what we are really good at.

Try it. See if the other person opens up to you. And see what you both can create from that.

Having a Deeper Conversation

I am dedicated to the idea that all you ever need or want to be is YOU.

You with all your gifts. And all the things you instinctively hide, too.

What would that be like? To fully embrace you and THEN create, rather than thinking you have to create to someone FIX yourself?

This is what I write about. For founders, for original thinkers, at all stages of their journey.

The world needs YOU, in all your brilliance and imperfection.

If you are a founder wanting to scale and sell your company, there are three shifts in identity that can help you do so with twice the impact and half the stress. Take a look at this video.

If you want to build a coaching business where you get to be yourself, help amazing people, and replace your corporate income in the process, here’s a video where I share the top three mistakes I see coaches make when trying to build a sustainable business—

http://bit.ly/creatingextraordinarycoaches

You can subscribe to my YouTube channel here.

You can follow me on LinkedIn to make sure you never miss a post by hitting the bell on my profile.

If you want to subscribe to this Creating Extraordinary Futures newsletter, you can do so here.

 

I had a recent health scare (a recurring prostate issue) that landed me in an ER in the middle of Iowa early on a Sunday morning.

I knew the drill—that I was going to be wearing a catheter for a week or so, and that my upcoming visit to my 87-year-old Mom’s was going to be impacted.

I thought I was past these issues—they go back to 2019, to a surgery in 2020, and I really thought I was done with them for a few years. It was frustrating and scary.

As I was panicking (when you can’t pee, but really need to, you panic a lot), I was noticing a lot of thoughts.

While I was pacing in my room at 2 am, I was noticing a lot of thoughts.

When I was thinking about how soon would be too soon to wake and ask my host to drive me to the ER, I was noticing a lot of thoughts.

We Tend to Think That Life is Happening TO Us

The thoughts that I was having were things like this—

Why did this happen AGAIN?

Shouldn’t my doctor have warned me?

Should I tell my mom? Will she worry too much if I do?

And mainly—

WHY ME???

Most of the time, life looks like it’s outside of us and happening TO us.

This is an illusion.

When we believe the illusion, we feel helpless. Especially when bad or difficult things happen.

I think that there must have been something that I could have done to avoid it.

I feel bad about myself.

I feel like I am being a burden and that people don’t want to help me.

What is Life, Actually?

But what if it didn’t have to look like this?

Questioning what your life is, and who you are, is the first step toward making a GIANT change on how you approach things.

How you feel about your life and what is happening in it.

First, notice one thing—

You are never directly experiencing anything outside of yourself. You can’t.

You are only experiencing two things—

First, whatever your sense organs and brain tell you about what is going on, both inside and outside your body.

Second, whatever stories you tell yourself about those sensations—whether they are good or bad, whether you like them or not, whether or not in your view they “should” be happening.

All of this is happening in your mind. Only in your mind.

So, from that perspective, your experience of life is always and only internal.

Always and only a model of your life that you are creating. It is never the “real” world, the “true” reality. We are not capable of experiencing that. Ever.

Most of us are not aware of this.

And even when we are, most of us create most of our experience of life unconsciously.

But consciously or unconsciously, we are always creating.

And when we see this, we can choose to create our experience differently.

One way, a highly leveraged way, is to look at what assumptions we make about life itself.

What if Life is Happening For You?

If I assume life is “out there,” happening “to me,” that leads me to other assumptions that may or may not be true—

That I am a victim.

That my problems are caused by “other people.”

That I have little or no control over most of the aspects of my life.

But what if I experiment with a different assumption? What if I experiment with the idea that life is happening FOR me?

What assumptions does that bring?

That there is something bigger than me that is looking out for me, that is presenting lessons for me, that is in some larger sense, taking care of me.

That there is a plan, even if I don’t understand in every moment what the plan is.

I want to be clear. I DO NOT KNOW if either if these assumptions—that life is is happening to me or for me—is true.

But what I do know is that when I look for that level of care, for the teaching, for the lessons, and for the gentle way in which they are presented, I can easily find them.

Take my medical emergency.

Yes, it is easy to think WHY ME? WHY NOW?

But had it happened at any other time or in any other place it could have been a lot more difficult.

I was with a friend, rather than at my mom’s (I would have had to call an ambulance there, and she would have completely panicked).

I was at a small town ER on a Sunday morning. I was literally the only patient there. Talk about feeling cared for by life.

I had already blocked a week off my calendar, other than a few calls. And I was with my 87-year-old mom, where life is already very slow. I could not have been better prepared to have a week of limited mobility.

After getting the catheter out, and talking with my urologist, I am now more prepared for future occurrences, without really suffering any more than was needed. The only suffering that I really had was my hesitation to wake my friend in the middle of the night. And that was my choice.

I have learned, again, that despite my constant hesitation to ask, that I can rely on people and that they want to help me.

Just that is a tremendous gift.

What Would It Mean To You To See This?

This week, take a look at some of the difficulties in your life. The things that you say you didn’t want, or that you wouldn’t wish on anyone.

A personal health crisis. The illness or death of someone close to you. A chronic challenge.

What was the learning? What was the gift? What was the blessing? What was it that you could not have learned in any other way?

Want To Go Deeper In This Conversation?

I am dedicated to the idea that all you ever need or want to be is YOU.

You with all your gifts. And all the things you instinctively hide, too.

What would that be like? To fully embrace you and THEN create, rather than thinking you have to create to someone FIX yourself?

This is what I write about. For founders, for original thinkers, at all stages of their journey.

The world needs YOU, in all your brilliance and imperfection.

If you are a founder wanting to scale and sell your company, there are three shifts in identity that can help you do so with twice the impact and half the stress. Take a look at this video.

If you want to build a coaching business where you get to be yourself, help amazing people, and replace your corporate income in the process, here’s a video where I share the top three mistakes I see coaches make when trying to build a sustainable business—

http://bit.ly/creatingextraordinarycoaches

You can subscribe to my YouTube channel here.

You can follow me on LinkedIn to make sure you never miss a post by hitting the bell on my profile.

If you want to subscribe to this Creating Extraordinary Futures newsletter, you can do so here.

 

I spend so much time thinking about how to do the things I do better.

How to do more of those things. How to do them more efficiently.

And then I catch myself.

I miss one critical fact when I do this. And seeing this can change everything.

What We Miss In All Of Our Doing

There is no doubt that expertise counts. There is a path of mastery that leads to great things—for your business, for your customers, for your own satisfaction.

But, for the vast majority of people, in the vast majority of situations, the first thing that we notice about someone isn’t their expertise. It isn’t even more superficial things like their appearance.

It’s their being.

How they are being in any given moment.

For me, it is simply noticing how often I am showing up the way I think someone else wants me to show up, as opposed how I actually am.

If I am showing up with some kind of mask on, that comes across. In a field that is built on trust and connection, masks get in the way.

I could pretend that I have it together, but if I actually don’t, that will come across.

I could pretend that I am capable of something I am not, but if I do, that will affect my credibility.

You might think “that doesn’t apply to me and my skillset—people hire my expertise, not my personality.”

But how often have you not hired a doctor, or an accountant, or a contractor, because you didn’t trust them? Or because there was something that was just “off”?

That’s their being.

Being is everyone’s profession. And you can get hired because of it, or in spite of it.

Being Is Not About Being “Better”

There are people who will tell you that “Being” is about being BETTER.

“I am being positive!”

“I am being hard-working!”

I disagree.

To me it is about willing to be exactly who you are in any given moment.

You do have the capacity to cultivate and call forth different aspects of yourself. And that can be helpful, to see that there are different ways of being that are available to you.

But generally, to me, the more powerful part of the being journey is more about your awareness of who you are than it is about trying to be something that you are not.

It is being all of yourself, rather than covering up something you don’t like about yourself.

To the extent that I able to do that, it opens up something else entirely.

The Power of Full Connection

Have you ever had a relationship where you fully trust the other person? Where you understand that what you are getting is a flawed but lovable human being? One who you can rely on, and who can rely on you?

What would that be like in a work relationship?

In any relationship?

As an aside, I am astounded at how often the business owners that I work with say that the most difficult relationship they have is with their spouse.

That’s the one place where they know they can’t hide behind their expertise.

You’re Not Actually Hiding Anything

Have you ever known anyone who has an aspect of themselves that they try to keep hidden, but in the hiding, it becomes all the more obvious?

I worked with a business owner who had a temper, and always seemed on the verge of exploding. He would very rarely express his anger, but it seemed near the surface all the time.

He didn’t see that his attempts to “hide” his anger actually made it more apparent. And that his employees would never tell him the truth because they were afraid the consequences of doing so.

What do you try to hide?

Ask someone you trust about it.

Now ask who could you be if you owned and accepted that part of you?

All You Really Ever Need To Be Is You

The opportunity here is to see that the only person you ever need to be is you.

Am I saying that expertise does not matter? No.

That you don’t need to improve your skills? Absolutely not. In fact, I would argue that the skills you are drawn to master is an essential part of your being.

But in any moment, the skills you have is a given. Whether you are able to connect with the right people for you is up to your willingness to be you, in all the polish and, sometimes, all the mess.

Authenticity, vulnerability, is something that we admire in others because it we know how hard it is.

But are you willing to try?

Try It

What I am pointing to is simple, but not easy.

But what would it be like to just be you and trust that you are enough?

That wherever you are on your path of mastery, there are people who want to work with you? Who want to be with what you offer?

The beta of your new product.

The coaching group you are starting for the first time.

The relationship where it feels really edgy to be vulnerable?

You don’t have to do this all at once.

When I was starting my coaching business it became even more clear to me how much I wanted people to like me. There would be things that I would want to point out as a coach that I was afraid to say because they other person might not like them and therefore me.

There was a distinct feeling in my stomach when I knew I SHOULD say something out of service, but I didn’t WANT to say it out of FEAR.

So I experimented. I started saying that thing, and noticing the reaction.

It was overwhelmingly positive. It was the difficult things that were most helpful.

People starting hiring me because of my willingness to say hard things to them.

My fear had pointed me to something that became my strength.

What is that thing that is getting your way?

Create a small experiment, and let me know how it goes.

How to Keep Going Deeper

If you are a founder wanting to scale and sell your company, there are three shifts in identity that can help you do so with twice the impact and half the stress. Take a look at this video.

If building a sustainable coaching business that will replace your corporate income is calling you, here’s a video where I share the top three mistakes I see coaches make when trying to build a sustainable business—

http://bit.ly/creatingextraordinarycoaches

You can subscribe to my YouTube channel here.

You can follow me on LinkedIn to make sure you never miss a post by hitting the bell on my profile.

If you want to subscribe to this Creating Extraordinary Futures newsletter, you can do so here.

And when you’re ready to go even deeper, send me a private message or an email. I’m happy to help you in any way I can.