Many of the leaders I work with come to me thinking that more time working means more results. That the goal is to push as hard as possible without burning out.

One CEO, who I’ve been working with for the last two years, used to make an analogy to cars. Every week, he would assess how busy he was by talking about RPMs.

Most cars can run at about 8,000 RPMs before they run into serious trouble.

But If I asked him how the engine was running, and he said 8,000 RPMs, I knew that was the bare minimum he would accept from himself. There were times he said 11,000 or 12,000 RPMs, when the business was really cooking. The question was how long he could maintain 11,999 RPMs.

At some point, though, he saw what all of my clients see, even as they resist all the conditioning that taught them otherwise.

They see that the breakthroughs happen in the pauses. They see that the more ease they can allow, the more effective they become.

I don’t mean that they aren’t busy. My client is still incredibly busy. But today, he isn’t nearly as stressed. Because he gets that it works against him.

He sees the river carrying him is more powerful than his frantic paddling every could be.

And that the river has bigger ideas than he ever did.

I used to think that I had two competing interests. To fit in, or to stand out.

And while I had the urge to create, to write, to perform, to lead, I had another, often stronger voice in me saying, “Stay small, stay quiet, stay normal, stay safe.”

It was my mother’s voice. And while she loved me and wanted the best for me, she also kept me from being me.

Because calling attention to yourself was not done. It was not safe.

I quickly came to realize that I was not “normal.” Whatever that happened to mean, it was not me. I don’t know many people who wanted to major in history and math and psychology. But I liked it all.

I talked with a client the other day who had been through something similar. And he had an insight that helped me, too.

What if it’s not about standing out, but simply about being yourself?

If you are small and quiet and “normal,” there’s nothing wrong with that. And no reason to pretend otherwise.

But if you aren’t, don’t pretend to be. You were made that way for a reason. Don’t stand out. Be yourself, in all your glory.

We need the real you, not the one you think is safe to show us. If you don’t feel safe to show it, you may be working with the wrong people.

Someone one needs you exactly as you are.

Find them.

The last several weeks I’ve been doing a research project, talking to senior execs about what their next role might look like, how they got roles in the past, and what is getting in the way right now.

I’ve had scores of interactions.

It’s quickly become clear that only one characteristic separates those who have moved up quickly from those who continue to stagnate.

That characteristic has nothing to do with their role or their technical expertise.

Instead, it’s their view of the world.

Struggling job seekers see the world as outside of them and are quick to create excuses. They wait for the right time, for the right recruiter to call, for the right role to show up. (And then they complain about the job they get.)

Successful job seekers see that they can create their next role.

An SVP I talked to said it best.

“I am constantly working on my own psychology, because it determines everything.”

You can actively create your experience. Or you can react to whatever shows up.

You can focus on what you really want. Or you can focus only what you think you can have (or deserve).

Which one will you decide?

I started coaching because I thought I could help people be better leaders.

And I do help. But in a very different way than I thought.

At first, I would instruct. I would teach. I would give clients frameworks and content and (dare I say) “wisdom.”

My clients seemed to appreciate what I was offering.

Then a curious thing started happening. I’d say something, and then a client would excitedly share something with me.

That had nothing to do with what I had been talking about!

My clients were having insights, but they were having insights IN SPITE of what I was saying.

I was getting in the way!

I started experimenting with saying less. With seeing how little I could talk.

And they started having MORE insights!

Sure, I might ask an occasional question, to clarify their experience. But most of the time I was silent.

There is something about simply creating a space for insight that is better than any thinking I can offer.

While that’s humbling, it’s also magic. Because everyone already knows what to do. They just need someone to pull it out of them. To help with the fear that shows up when they see they really can be who they want to be.

Would you like to experience that? DM me. Let’s have some fun.