I’ve been writing about four ways in which it can look like life is happening.

The second of these is “by me.”

That is, I see that I have the power to create.

I have the power of choice.

In the first way, when life happens “to me,” I am a victim of whatever circumstances are happening “out there.”

WIth “by me,” I am no longer a victim. There are always choices I can make, actions I can take, in response to my circumstances. Actions that can actually change those circumstances.

The most powerful shift that a person can make is the shift from “to me” to “by me.”

But even “by me” has limitations.

Because when most people see that they have the power to create, the question becomes how to use that power.

What to create?

And for most people, that means creating something outside of themselves.

A job, a partner, money, power.

And the person in “by me” tends to think that if they can change the outside enough, they can make the inside feel better.

They tend to think, “If only I get this [job, spouse, home, car], then I will be happy.”

How have you used the power of “by me” to get what you want?

And how long did it give you what you were actually looking for?

I wrote last time about four ways that life can appear to happen.

The first of these is life happening “to you.”

This is the place in which it looks like life is “out there.” Like life is totallly the sum of your circumstances.

This is the space of victimhood. When it looks like life is happening to you, it looks like you have no control. Like you are completely powerless.

Now there are plenty of things that we have no control over. A global pandemic, for example.

But we always have the capacity to choose a response. To choose what we do and who we are in that doing.

So why would we ever think otherwise?

It can be scary to realize we have power. When we choose to see life as happening to us, we are saying that we don’t want control. We get to say “It’s not my fault!” We get to say, “They need to change, not me!”

We then get to sit back, righteously indignant, comfortable with the excuse we have not to do anything.

Victimhood, paradoxically, feels safe. Like staying in a job when you’re not happy. Even though another job might make you happier, it’s risky to move. It’s easier just to blame your boss.

What has happened when you have seen the world happening to you? And what happened when you were able to shift that perspective?

The spiritual teacher Michael Beckwith says that there are four ways that our life can appear to us. I love these distinctions because they parallel lots of technical scholarship on adult development, but they use terms that my clients (and I!) more easily understand.

We all vacillate among each of these four ways, in a given day, even within the span of a few moments.

The four ways are as follows—

Life happens to me.

Life happens by me.

Life happens through me.

Life happens as me.

When we are in “To Me,” life looks like it is out there, determined by our circumstances. We are victims of whatever is happening to us.

When we are in “By Me,” we see that we have options and control. We are no longer victims, and we realize our own power.

When we are in “Through Me,” we begin to connect to something larger than us, such as a greater sense of purpose.

When we have fleeting glimpses of “As Me,” we are in awe and wonder, and realize we are connected to and in everything.

Each of these perspectives has advantages and limits, and I will spend my next few posts writing about them.

Does this resonate with you? How has each one shown up for you, and what have you realized because of it?

When I saw this quote, which turns out to be the title of book, my heart broke.

Because I see so many people stuck. Having a dream, but still playing it safe.

Saying things like, “Once I have this much money,” or “Once the last one gets through college.” Then I will pursue my dream. Then I will figure out what I am really here to do.

But every day you are one day closer to death. Or to not being able to work.

One day closer to leaving your song unsung.

And none of us knows when that day will come. If a worldwide pandemic has not made that clear, I’m not sure what can.

Take one action today toward the pursuit of your dream. Take one step toward getting clarity. Make one phone call. Send one email. Tell one person your secret dream.

Tomorrow, and every day after, repeat, modify, be willing to be surprised.

The universe can be at your beck and call. But you have to tell it what you want first.