I see a lot of writing in the self help and coaching world about “making commitments” and “having integrity.”

And for a long time, I put a lot on that. That all I have is my word.

It’s incredibly important to me when I have promised something to someone. I feel horrible when I miss a deadline.

But I had an experience this week that is beginning to change my mind. And I confess, I’m not sure yet what to do with it.

You see, my original #munndaymagic post this week was going to be about climbing a 14er. (A mountain higher than 14,000 feet.)

But when the time came to do it, I knew it wasn’t the right. So I was faced with a decision between keeping my word, and being true to myself.

We had dropped our son off at a month-long camp, and on the way back we stopped in a charming town called Buena (“Byoona”) Vista. Buena Vista is within a short drive of four different 14ers, and two sets of parents were planning on spending Saturday enjoying the town, and getting up early to climb (really more like really hard hiking) one of the 14ers on Sunday.

The other couple were veterans at this kind of climbing. My wife and I were the rookies. I was hesitant, but willing. I said I was game.

The husband ending up not making the trip. He caught COVID and was recuperating at home.

We had gotten up before 5 on the drop-off day, and I slept badly Saturday night as well. So Sunday morning, I didn’t feel so good.

I could have done it, but I really knew that physically I was not up to it. That, if I was true to myself, I would stay home that day while our wives (who are the more dedicated climbers anyway) went ahead and did the climb. That if I did the hike, I would end up angry at them (for “making” me do it) and me (for letting them).

I was so afraid of letting them down. I felt bad, until I realized something.

I often do what others want (or what I think they want) and make myself miserable in the process. And then I get mad at them, and at myself.

Here, it was clear to me that the right answer for everyone was for me to go back on my word, and for them to go on without me.

The first thing that I noticed is that they wanted to compromise, to do a shorter hike so I would come along, so that we do something together.

As I faced this additional temptation, I noticed that if I gave in, no one would be happy. In listening to myself, it became clear that my staying home was actually the best thing. I saw that they would have a great time without me, and that I would have a great time without them.

I broke my original commitment. I stayed home. I journaled. I saw how often I commit to things that I really don’t want to do, in an attempt to please others.

And they had an amazing time, and an even better time telling me about it.

Listening to myself, to my body, let me to some powerful insights.

What might it lead you to?

I was at dinner with a client and he was talking about leaving his current role for a similar role within the company. In a way, it would create a bit of a mess. Someone else be backfilling his old responsibilities, but he was excited about the possibilities in the new role and they were more aligned with his talents.

His boss had come to him and said, “So it sounds like you’re making this move, and that it’s a good one for you?”

And he had said, “Yes.”

Now he was rethinking things. He was feeling bad about whether his old responsibilities would be fulfilled by the new person, wondering if he should stick it out for longer until a more permanent solution could be found.

“But it sounds like your boss has already accepted that you’re moving. And that taking care of your old responsibilities is now his responsibility.”

“Yes, but…I’m not sure it’s fair to the woman who is picking up a lot of my stuff.”

And that’s when I asked him.

“Whose needs are more important. Hers, or yours?”

I could see in that moment how torn he was. That he really wanted to say, and that he knew he should say, that his needs were more important. But he really was putting her needs, or at least what he thought her needs were, ahead of his.

It was a pattern. He saw it in that moment. He saw he had struggled with that a long time.

It’s a pattern I see in many leaders.

Many exhausted, depleted leaders.

Because as much as we like to think that we’re selfless and giving, looking out for others’ needs ahead of our own almost never works out.

We don’t really know what others need. So when we give them what we think they need, it often falls flat. Neither one of us really gets what we need.

When I find myself doing this, I end up exhausted because I never refill my own tank. And I end up angry because I’m doing all these things for other people, denying my own needs, and they don’t even appreciate it!

And then I wonder why I feel so overwhelmed. Not seeing that I’m doing it to myself. Through my own innocently motivated martyrdom.

It’s unsustainable.

It might go against our conditioning to look out for ourselves, but much like putting our oxygen mask on first, it’s vital.

Because you can’t help anyone if you’re dead.

I hear this from midlevel managers.

I just heard it in a conversation in my remote office.

But I also hear it from CEOs.

It’s hard to lead from this place. Because you’ve given up all your power. To your manager, to your board, to your investors.

I had a client a couple of years ago who was passionate about creating a new role for herself in a large organization. That organization had no one who was looking at a critical and rapidly growing area for the firm. An area that will have an outsized impact on the organization’s success over the next few decades. Yet no one was managing this area on behalf of the firm.

My client saw the opportunity. She was able to make a strong business case for investing in the area.

And she decided she was the one to lead it, because of her passion, and her willingness to do the work to become a global expert.

She had been in a sales role, so making a business case, across a large organization, was something she was exceptionally good at.

Still, it took her more than a year to convince the organization to create the role, and she had to be willing to do it part time, at first.

But she did it. She didn’t wait for permission. She created, and persuaded, and iterated. Again and again. Until she had what she wanted, which today is a full time senior role in the organization. Her responsibilities have been broadened three times since she was willing to start part-time.

All because she was determined to create what she wanted and sell the benefits to her organization. Instead of asking permission and waiting and hearing no and then complaining that she was helpless.

You are not helpless. You are powerful beyond measure. So powerful you are able to create yourself as helpless despite all evidence to the contrary. And believe you are helpless because it feels safe, even though it feels dead, too.

Do you know what you want? Are you willing to ask for it? To create it? Are you willing to persuade others of the broader benefits of what you want to create?

And are you willing to keep doing it, over and over, until you’ve created what you want?