I hear it over and over again. Whether someone builds their business to certain size, cashes out in a sale, gets a top role, or even finally decides to retire.

They thought there would be this sense of “arrival.” This sense that they had made it. This sense that finally, they were enough.

And when they don’t get it, they often come to me.

They have been looking in the wrong direction.

A bunch of them have been looking outside. At the stuff and the titles. Figuring that $10 million would do it if $1 million didn’t. And over and over again, they find that more of the same is not enough. I’ve had two conversations with people on this very topic just in the last week.

A few people, sensing they need to look “inside,” have looked at their thinking. Figuring that if they can just change their thinking they can feel better. That they can use affirmations or visualization or the law of attraction to fix themselves.

But the hole remains. Because if you have ever tried to change your thinking, you know how exhausting it is. And how seldom it works.

When I say “look inside,” I’m pointing to something completely different. More fundamental. And when you really see it, it changes everything.

This is something that I can explain, but it is better to experience it. Because it’s not a concept. And I can only point to it with words.

When you see it, you realize you never had to do all that stuff. You see that the universe has always had your back. You were always enough because you, the real you, is actually the source of everything.

The paradoxical result for many is that seeing you never had to do anything to prove your worth allows you to do even more, just for the sheer joy of creating. More ease and more impact. Magic.

If you’d like to talk about this, PM me. I’ve opened a limited number of spots on my calendar. And if you are drawn to what I’m saying, if you sense there might be something here for you, I would love to connect.

I am taking off for the Labor Day weekend. If you reach out and do not hear back, I will connect with you next week.

You always look like you’ve got it together.

You’ve been successful at everything you’ve tried.

You’ve got all the stuff. But you’re not happy.

I know because I was there.

I was you.

On many days, I’m still you. Pretending to keep it together, thinking that if we can make the outside look good the inside will somehow follow.

And the mistake you made was the same one I made. (I still make it, but I do make it less.)

You assumed that there was something outside of you that could fix what’s inside of you.

What’s inside? The gnawing feeling that it will never be enough. That you will never be enough.

It can look like outer success will make you feel better. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

Has it ever? For more than a few minutes, or a few days?

If VP didn’t do it, if EVP didn’t do it, if COO didn’t do it, CEO won’t either.

If $5 million didn’t do it, $50 million or $500 million or $5 billion won’t either.

Maslow had it right. Once your outer needs are taken care of, the work is inner work.

Of course he never really said what he meant by “self-actualization.” I’m not sure he even knew.

But it seems a major part of it is to see that you are enough and always have been. That you can be both totally fine with yourself, and still strive to improve.

Not to cover something up or make yourself whole. But for the sheer joy in doing so.

Seeing that changes everything. And it can happen in a moment of insight. Or a series of glimpses that take years.

Not everyone can see it, at least not right away. But when they are willing to start looking, and to stay in the conversation, it changes everything.

Looking in that direction has changed everything for me. And it will for you, too.

When we can create from joy, rather than lack, life is suddenly worth living again. Instead of just being one crisis after another.

Are you curious enough to look for what has always been there?

Are you willing to take that leap of faith?

I talked with a CEO last week who was working with four coaches—a CEO group leader, a mentor, a relationship coach, and a personal trainer.

And he said he wanted a break from all of it for a few months.

I get it—to do that much work on yourself must be exhausting.

When I see that in someone, my sense is that they are viewing their lives as a series of projects—the leadership project, the fitness project, the relationship project.

But this misses a fundamental point—the “you” that is at the center of all these projects.

You’re “you” (and my “I”) is mostly made of the stories we that we tell ourselves or have been told and believed.

If you get that you created all these projects, that you created the standards by which you judge yourself as a success or a failure, and that you will feel bad or good based on whether you met these standards, then you are beginning to see the craziness of the human condition.

We create the game and then beat ourselves up for losing it. Over and over again.

For all the times you’ve berated yourself because somehow you think it will help, has it ever worked?

The point is not to change your thoughts, it’s to see that your thoughts change.

That if you’re revved up, you get a lot of old thoughts. Thoughts that might not serve you. That probably don’t, at least in my experience.

And if you allow yourself to settle, you get fewer thoughts, and some of them will be new.

With these new insights, you will know what to do. No matter what project it’s related to. The inside takes care of the outside.

No berating required.

I recorded a podcast interview today and the topic of fear came up.

And I said, without really thinking, that the biggest fear at work is the fear of looking stupid.

Now I admit that particular fear was top of mind for me in that particular moment, being on a podcast as a supposed leadership expert.

But as leaders, fear of looking stupid can get in the way of a lot of things.

If you think you’re supposed to know, you can never ask a question.

If you think you’re supposed to be the smart one, you’re going to limit what you’re willing to say. You’re going to avoid other’s ideas in favor of your own. Because using someone else’s idea would mean they are smarter than you, right?

Your world, your capacity to create, your ultimate impact is going to be very small indeed if you’re afraid of looking stupid.

How do we drop this fear?

As a coach, I have the luxury of asking lots of stupid questions. And I find that it is the stupid questions that often give my clients the hardest time.

“What do you want?”

“Why do you want that?”

“What would that give you?”

Because the seemingly obvious often isn’t obvious at all.

I think what allows me to ask these questions is my sincere interest in the client. I really want to know. I really want to understand.

Wanting to be understood, wanting to be heard makes my client eager to share with me. (And if they think the question is stupid, they usually don’t tell me that!)

What are you deeply curious about? Explore that, and see what opens up. For you, your team, your company.